While a major component of my work as an independent domestic violence advocate (IDVA) is to support survivors in practical ways – making onward referrals, signposting or advocating for them within housing services, social services and more – there is also the quieter, more subtle art of listening and truly hearing. The ability to sometimes just come alongside them, to be with them, to create a space and relationship conducive to a feeling of safety, trust and respect – all factors that I recognise some survivors may never have experienced.
In today’s world, life moves so quickly and there can be the temptation to slip too easily into the doing part, and neglect the being part – the part that allows us to sit with another person and not rush their process, not offer our ‘shoulds’ and ‘oughts’, not to jump to fixing before understanding, not feel the need to fill every second of silence with words.
Every day at Solace, we work with survivors who have experienced the most horrendous abuse and are living with the deep-rooted scars of this, which can so often show up in their sense of self, self-worth, trust and a shadow of shame that may doggedly follow them through life. Although healing can be painful and messy, the beautiful part is the humanness of the process and what better gift than to offer this to someone in our willingness to show up, to be present, to fully see and hear them, to suspend judgment and to be prepared to sit with them, even in the dark and painful moments with the air of uncertainty swirling around?
There can be the temptation to slip too easily into the doing part, and neglect the being part
One of my takeaways from my work is the moment when I hear an intake of breath on the phone, when I see tears in someone’s eyes and they tell me that I understand…that I get it…that I get them. Ultimately, they are communicating that someone, somewhere understands what it’s like to be them and for me, that is such a crucial part that underpins the practical part of my job. After all, survivors can come to us with a lifetime of not being heard or respected, not being given a voice, not being treated with dignity, not being offered safety (I see all of this as an individuals’ right and not a luxury). Surely, in order to progress the functional aspect to the work, we need to firstly meet people as they are, where they are, and sow the seeds of the human relationship and connection. My experience has taught me that actively listening, being present, offering positive regard and acceptance are fundamentals in bringing about positive change.